There is something to be said about the way skinny feels. I’m still drawn to the sickening thrill of wearing clothes that sport the label ‘9-10 years’. The way jumpers would hang off my shoulder blades and I could see outfits growing as my shrinking body wasted away in their corpses. The fact I could fold myself into smaller and smaller pieces, and the momentary euphoria of worried looks in the street. ‘Yes, yes look at me! Look at this body that is threatening to drop to this gravelled road. Look at the way my stomach is caving past my spine.’ Before realising that – ‘Oh shit, I have a stomach, maybe I should try to lose that altogether. Who needs a stomach when you’re not eating anyway?.
Sometimes, to me, skinny is better than the taste of all these foods that are repeatedly stuffed into my underdeveloped stomach. They all taste of words to me – ‘fat’, ‘greedy’, ‘stupid’.
This is my problem with hospital treatment. They pump you full of ‘2 calories per drop’ supplements, get you to a weight that doesn’t require a wheelchair, and wave you out. You have a healthy (ish) body with an even unhealthier mind. The ultimate paradox for an anorexic.
But there are times when I find things that are far better than those temporary succeses.
Like when I sing The Greatest Showman at the top of my lungs, and walk out the cinema and burst into tears, because it was the first time in years I had actually felt.
Or when I get called a ‘Pocketful of sunshine’ by the worker in Starbucks.
There’s that time when I got the train and felt so at peace with everything and so happy with the world.
Or when people remember the little things.
A few days ago I called Abbie because my mood was bright and I was finally progressing away from my depressive episodes that had been surrounding my days. I felt like myself again.
Or the times I find myself in a grateful state of mind.
Talking to people in the city and laughing with strangers in moments where the comical happens, before parting ways and never seeing each other again.
So, I think I am finally finding things that are better than Skinny.