What I lost to anorexia.

Depict it with the stigma, and you will reach the same answer. Weight. Obviously you lost weight. Because that’s what anorexia is. It’s losing weight.

But it’s not just that. You lose essential body tissue and osseous matter density. Because when your body has used up all stored energy, it starts to absorb muscle.

I lost hair to anorexia. Hair that was thick and 15 inches, reduced to nothing more than strands of brittle filament that resembled straw.

I lost blood flow. I was left with purple limbs that seemed to bruise if the wind hit me with any force.

I lost the ability to feed myself.

I lost the trust of those closest to me, as they watched me lie over and over again about what I had eaten.

I lost opportunities to travel and immerse myself in cultures away from hospital corridors and doctor surgeries.

I lost friends. Because I had anorexia, I had my disorder. And in my poorly mind, that was all I needed.

I lost my grades. I watched them tumble out of my reach as I was restrained by doctors.

I lost interest in anything that had ever made me happy.

I lost time, that I’m never getting back.

I lost physical strength.

I lost chances to experience so many different things, as I was left a captive in my own house.

I lost my ability to make analytical choices.

I lost Rosie. The girl with a head full of dreams and a future full of possibility. I lost her to anorexia when she was ten years old, and I’ve still not been able to get her back.

Next time you think about reaching for a packet of diuretics or find your mind trailing towards the desolate path of relapse because you just need to lose weight  I hope you find your way back to this post, and remind yourself of everything it will cost you. Keep fighting my loves.

C .

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