No numbers are mentioned on here. I am aware that so many people ask about this but it is a topic I feel very strongly about regarding with discretion as it can be so triggering for myself and others.
Hello my loves.
i hope this week has been ok for everyone so far. So far mine has been a mixture of stress, stress and a lil bit more stress. It’s not too bad though, and I feel like I’m starting to get on top of things again, despite a few real blips these past five days. I managed to finish all of my English GCSE coursework this afternoon (25% of my mark, did I mention stress?), but I am so relieved that it’s out the way now.
Whilst I spent the majority of the afternoon wandering aimlessly around town with nothing but my return bus ticket and a grand total of 26p for two whole hours – I missed my bus by three minutes and, perks of living in the middle of nowhere, the intermittent wait time is fairly big, especially when you have left your phone at home. But, on a positive note, it allowed me (rather a lot of) time to think about life in general. I realised that I get the same questions messaged, asked, tweeted every single day, and there are countless that I just ignore and avoid answering. Everyone seems to be so eager to learn the bits about my life that I’m not so eager to share. But, I’m at the weird point in recovery, where I have a ‘take it or leave it’ attitude. The ‘light bulb moment’ as my old ED therapist referred to it as. If I’m honest, I can’t beat myself up about it. If other people arent keen, then that’s ok. And I actually say that with meaning in my voice.
Why did you leave school? For anyone not aware, I haven’t been in school for about 18 months. But I’m very honest with it so I feel like if you’ve followed my blog or any other account over these past few years you will have picked up on it. I left school for many reasons. The main one being that I was, as they classified it, a ‘Health Risk’. To put it simply, if I was to collapse and split my head open, the insurance wouldn’t cover the cost for a new floor tilning.
Did you run away from school? No 😂 I’m not going to pretend the thought had never crossed my mind, but isn’t that true for everyone?! Just in fleetingly unfeesable depths of thought – but I don’t think that’s unusual. Usually before a physics lesson or a presentation.
How did the school find out? I cannot pin the exact point for you, but, basically, I was a bit of a mess. I had had a seemingly harmless brush with an eating disorder very early on in my senior school life, so a few people were subconsciously aware. There were also one too many occasions of me a) having anxiety attacks in lessons b) having mental breakdowns about somebody mentioning food around me c) being found unconscious. All in all, the pieces fitted together to form the perfect representation of a messed up head.
Did you have to go back a year? No, actually. The question was raised, but seemed unnecessary and potentially damaging. My grades, though a little rough round the edges, were up to standard, and nobody saw any real requirement for me to have to repeat a year.
How old were you when you remember having disordered thoughts about food? About 11/ 12.
What treatment are you in nowadays? Outpatient.
What do you do all day? I have lessons, usually at the library. I also have study, and additional studies for my A Level Psychology. Some days I have doctors appointments, therapy sessions and all of that fun stuff. Other days I get the bus into town and embark on some retail therapy. More often though, I study in my pyjamas with lots of porridge!
What are your long term aspirations? I want to go to Uni at St. Andrews, Cambridge or Oxford, to study either Psychology or medicine. I’m aiming high, but it’s my speciality. My career path shifts in my mind quite frequently at the moment, but I am hoping to go into neuropsychology or emergency unit and trauma specialists. All I know is I want to be involved in psychology, work in a hospital, and help people.
Best distractions after a guilt provoking meal? Listening to songs, going online (nothing triggering though!), online shopping, seeing friends, going to a cafe, yoga, relaxing audios, cosy tv.
What fear foods do you still have? Pizza, cheesy pasta, chocolate, brownies, home baking, pastries, eggs, bread, pancakes, cookies, cake.
What does your family tell people about you being out of school/ away socially? The truth.
I hope that answered a few questions that could be helpful. I have family therapy tomorrow and I’m dreading it. It just seems really pointless. And then I have the continued psychoanalysis assessment on Friday. Whoopee, what an scoring life I lead.
Stay safe and strong,