I survived. Sort of. / A real chat. 

Hi guys. Well I can safely say I have survived ten days away on holiday. Ten days. That’s like 14,400 minutes (just asked Siri). So no it definitely did not go as planned and I’m definitely not sure how therapy will be. But… I did it? Sort of. Long story. I’m proud I did it but it was really tough. Like tough tough tough. A lot of old behaviours creeped up again to say hello. Unfortunately I said hello back. That’s how these troubles begin. 

Now, I did not anticipate a sunny, rosy holiday. But I didn’t anticipate quite the catastrophic moments and reactions that my mind had. It’s as if my head exploded most evenings. It was like a pressure cooker. And then….. bang… it would just go off. I really didn’t expect that. 

I also didn’t expect the eating  to be a big issue. Why is it when everyone around you is totally in full ‘holiday pig out’ mode. You retreat to your safe little place with Ryvita and kale? I find it empowering. It sounds awful. But it’s as if I’m even stronger than usual if I’m ignoring the smell of chocolate cookies and ice cream. 

If you’re after a full picture of this holiday I’ll give it to you. We left early. 6 days early, in fact. Yep. Because of me and my broken brain. So not only do I have to deal with the very (very) loud voices bobbing about in mi brain. I also have loathing stares from family members. Fabulous. No I’m not being serious, in fact I didn’t expect them to leave early for me at all. I was ready to run the million miles back if it meant I’d feel safe and secure. But having an anxious, vulnerable and unstable person clinging to you isn’t really a holiday is it? I’m desperate to send them off on a nice holiday next year to sort of apologise for ruining it. Better start saving. 

So I made it back in one piece, even if mi brains not. And, even though it was by no means perfect. It could have been a lot better there’s no denying. But I did it and there was a point before we left where I wasn’t going at all. For me, personally, that’s quite an achievement. 

I’m really ready to start being serious about all this though. I’ve been just struggling with it for years now. I’ve sort of accepted it. I’m so used to it being here that I’m scared of not having it here. I’ve just accepted this is life for a bit. But a bit is a month then a year then five years. I’m going to have to start taking things seriously. That sounded very dramatic. (Very tempted to put ‘lol’ at the end just to remove the unintended dramatic affect). I think I’m going to start with a very simple step. I’m going to write a very honest (and probably very dramatic sounding) letter to mi therapist. Hopefully it gets a point across. But if I want to get better and have a real life. Then a cringey letter is nothing. I might just have to put LOL at the end. 

Stay safe and strong (My keyboard suggested that sentence as I typed safe. This is very exciting!) 


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