A Day of Fear Food

I posted a photo on twitter the other day and said ‘Recovery, take 5’. I had therapy yesterday and something just, well, clicked. We were talking about how long I’ve been in therapy and how at the end of th day it’s up to me. I can’t rely on other people, and I’m going to have to do things that maybe I don’t want to, but doesn’t everyone? I posted a blog the other day titled ‘Toast’, because I ate bread for the fist time I’m nearly two years. It was terrrifying but I’ve stuck at it for three days now. A lot of people tell you not to jump straight in the deep end with recovery, but that’s not really what I’ve done today. I’ve been paddling about at the shallow end for far too long now, so today I decided to go up to the highest diving board and jump as fast as I could. The strange thing is I didn’t fall. I actually kept going up.

Baked beans and cheese on toast used to be a favourite, but it is a favourite I forbid for a long time. Today I decided to just eat it. I had been craving it fir months and I wasn’t going to avoid it any longer. So baked beans and cheese on a small slice of toasted brown bread for lunch. Not only was it the first time I’d eaten a full slice of toast in a long long time, I didn’t calorie count. Not once, and I don’t intend to. It was a lunch, I was hungry and eating it hasn’t made me a bad person or gain ten stone. I now realise just how much I missed baked beans on toast.

I’ve been waiting for the day I can try one of these Ben and Jerrys ice cream sandwiches for nearly five months. Not only was it cookies and ice cream, it also had the word ‘Sandwich’ in it, which was just a big no no for quite a while. But with a little encouragement from Dad, I bought one, and ate it after lunch. It was delicious, an incredible explosion of cookie dough and vanilla ice cream. And, I didn’t look at the calorie count. It was beyond tricky, but I tore the wrapper off and chucked it in the bin before I could accidentally catch a glimpse. I only left the tiniest piece, which I fed to Lulu, our cat, with both parents permission, because she wouldn’t stop miaowing.

Dinner wasn’t too scary, so I thought it would be daft to post it here, as it wasn’t triggering or anything.

Pretzels and Nutella as an evening snack. I decided earlier that day that if I’m eating fear foods, why not conquer two at once? These two foods used to be my absolute favourite – I hadn’t eaten them for nearly 2 and a half years. If there is a word that equals terrified and excited both at once, this would be a good opportunity to use it. I decided on 30g of pretzels with not one, but two tablespoons of Nutella. Wild aren’t I? ūüėā The nutty chocolate with the salt and crunch of the pretzels literally forced me to forget the potentially dangerous calorie count (that actually isn’t dangerous at all) and the fact that I was ruining a nearly 3 year cleanse of these foods. And I finished, even getting the last of the Nutella off of the plate, and as unrealistic as it sounds, I was fine. There was anxiety, but obviously there is going to be. But now, the next day, I am absoloutely fine. Nothing has happened, I’ve not gained 20 pounds and I feel so much healthier for a bit of sugar! And honestly the pride is actually insane, knowing I’ve conquered this, and I can tell you this time, I’m not going back. Nutella and pretzels are too good to be lost again! 

I really feel, finally, prepared to get over this. I’m not starting recovery, I’m simply carrying on from where I left off. Relapse is a part of recovery and I am realising that, and I really believe I have relapsed for the last and final time. I hope so anyway. I know I will still have tough times and that I will probably feel like letting go off all of this and fall back to where I started. But I know that I have to keep going, because it will be one hundred percent worth it.

Stay safe and strong, look around you, have that piece of cake, it is not going to cause anything bad to happen, eat breakfast and live, live, live, live.



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